The Pocket Podcast Network presents: a special production of No Dice.
Are you ready? Let’s roll the dice.
[mandolin-driven new theme song]
[audience chatters]
[show is starting music]
[audience applauds]
ATHENIO Friends and Foes of all ages, come! Gather round! Our merry troupe of travelers will tell you a story for the ages! It will make you laugh and it will make you cry for we shall tell you the story of the adventurers known as The Magic Assholes!
[audience applauds, cheers]
[timpani roll]
ATHENIO Tonight the role of the devious rogue known as Perry shall be played by our own Wenzin.
[light applause]
ATHENIO The role of the keen wizard known as Saoirse shall be played by Belecraes. The role of the robust paladin known as Ixen shall be played by Sorinn Fimphis the Third.
[applause dies out]
ATHENIO The companions they meet along the way shall be played by the rest of the company, including our newest member Farcan who shall be playing the demonic Gravelgax.
[light applause]
ATHENIO If you’ve never seen a gnome on stilts, tonight you are in for a treat! Do not be fooled-
AUDIENCE MEMBER I LOVE YOU
[audience shushes]
ATHENIO -by what you see and hear tonight. Our players are all skilled users of minor illusions and have the abilities to change their voices and appearances to closely resemble those heroes we know so much about. And of course...I am the Great Bard himself
[applause]
ATHENIO Athenio de Lys, your narrator for this journey. It’s very important for my contract that you know the Great Bard is capitalized.
[harp glissando]
ATHENIO Our story begins on a dark and stormy night
[on-stage foley thunder]
ATHENIO A cliche that I am allowed to use because of my capital G greatness. Our heroes, having bravely slain the necromancer known as Belis, captured the necromancer known as Daveed, have traveled past the Mediocre Lake, the Kinda Shitty Not Great Lake, the Superb Pond, the Fuck is this Bog Anyways, the Good Puddle and are now fearlessly headed towards...The Great Lake!
COMPANY The Great Lake!
ATHENIO However they are approached by a fearsome beast! A tall creature, with two heads wearing quite a revealing pair of bejeweled pantaloons and each head wearing a...unique hat.
[footsteps]
CHIPPETOPOLIS Greetings traveler I am...Chippetopolis
SAOIRSE Excuse us, we’re just passing through. C-come on guys, let’s -um, let’s go?
PERRY Do you both have different names? Because you’re like two heads so I’m assuming there’s two personalities here.
CHIPPETOPOLIS Why are you asking this question, like I am clearly the-
DYLAN Aw, now Chip, I thought it was s’posed to be my turn with the name.
[sound of sequins being turned over]
CHIPPETOPOLIS I am Chippetopolis. Don’t question my name.
DYLAN I am Dylan. Here’s the thing, fellas. We got this flower and it’s under one of our hats and to pass us, all we need you to do is find the flower.
SAOIRSE Could we instead just sort of…go around?
DYLAN Well, you could, but it’d be less fun. And I think your little friend wants to play find the flower. Don’t you, little friend?
SAOIRSE No, Daveed is- He’s- He’s fine.
CHIPPETOPOLIS Not that little friend, the other little friend.
PERRY Hey, I’m not that little!
CHIPPETOPOLIS Everything’s littler than me. What do you want?
PERRY So what is it that’s under your hat again?
SAOIRSE P-P-P-P-P-Perry, Perry, Perry, no.
CHIPPETOPOLIS All you have to do is find the flower. Is it under my hat? Or, my other hat?
DYLAN Well, see, the thing is, it’s kinda like that hide the shell game, except we’re not gonna take our hats off and do the shuffle shuffle thing. You just gotta guess. It’s easy.
ATHENIO Little does this monster know that the Magic Assholes are a wily bunch! Watch now as Ixen stands firm in front of Chippetopolis and Dylan while Saoirse produces a whole garden on their heads!
[magic sound]
PERRY Here you go
CHIPPETOPOLIS Aha! You chose the wrong hat! It was under- Hang on.
SAOIRSE Oh I guess we can’t do your, uh, your thing. Or we did it, uh...well goodbye!
[Chippetopolis and Dylan stand up]
DYLAN Alright, hold on. You guys cheated, that’s not fair!
[weapon draws]
DYLAN Now I’m afraid we can’t let cheaters pass, so I’m gonna have to ask y’all to square up
PERRY Wait, I have a question-
[whistle to call monsters]
CHIPPETOPOLIS What is your question? Before you’re annihilated.
PERRY Oh, I was just wondering if you could remove your hats because I wanna know which hat the flower was under.
[ballad music begins, Athenio sings]
ENRAGED BY THE TRICKERY THE
MONSTER LEAPT FORTH,
DOFFING THEIR HATS TO REVEAL
A ROSE OF BLOOD RED ON
CHIPP’TOP’LIS’S HEAD,
AND ON DYLANS, A HIBISCUS OF GOLD.
AND OUT OF THE WOODS LEAPT FORTH
TWO DREAD BEASTS
STITCHED TOGETHER, A NIGHTMARE TO
BEHOLD.
A GREAT PURPLE WORM WITH THE HEAD
OF A WOLF
SALLIED FORTH ON THE SLITHERING
GROUND
A HORNED BEAST OF FEAR WITH OILED
FEATHERS APPEARED,
IT’S TEETH DRIPPING ROTTEN WITH
GORE
SO PERRY, THE BRAVE TRIED TO
POISON THE KNAVES,
AND THE TWO-HEADED RIDDLER FELT
PAIN
BUT THE HORNED BEAST DID SCREAM
AND FOR A MINUTE IT SEEMED
ONLY IXEN COULD MOVE, BUT WHAT
COULD SHE DO?
A RED DEVIL LEAPT FORTH ON
MINISCULE WINGS
WITH ONE SWING OF HIS SCYTHE THE
HORNED BEAST DID DIE.
ITS BODY IN TWAIN FOR IT HAD BEEN
SLAIN BY THE INFERNAL HUNTER NAMED
GRAVELGAX.
ATHENIO And so Saoirse leapt forth, freed from the curse of the horned beast by the strange devil, calling her soulbound mace. Meanwhile, Ixen had just barely avoided death at the teeth of the wolf worm, as the captured necromancer demanded the attention of our heroes.
DAVEED [muffled] Hey do you mind taking me out of the bag? Do you mind taking me out of the bag? Do you mind taking me out of the bag and maybe putting me on the ground and maybe I can like contribute to this fight? Can you take me out the bag and put me on the ground? I don’t often ask you to put me on the ground but can you take me out the bag and put me on the ground.
[sound of a necromancer’s head being taken out of a bag]
COMPANY The necromancer!
DAVEED I thought you were going to drop me and I was about to be very upset. Thank you very much, ‘ppreciate it.
PERRY No I wouldn’t-I wouldn’t do that to you Daveed, I like you.
[magic missile sound]
[company member makes mouth explosion sound]
DAVEED Boo-yah.
CHIPPETOPOLIS [Simultaneously] Now you will face our wrath
DYLAN [Simultaneously] Now you will face our wrath
[sound of a stage sword fight]
SAOIRSE Owww
ATHENIO When Saoirse is injured the noble Ixen can only do one thing
COMPANY Pummel!
[sound of a stage sword fight and knaps]
DYLAN Hey that hurt guys
ATHENIO There is no defeat with the help of Gravelgax!
[sound of stage sword fight, knaps]
COMPANY MEMBER 1 [makes fire sound, followed by wolf worm distress sound] Ahhhhh!
[ballad music continues, Athenio sings]
SAOIRSE DID SWING BUT HER MACE WAS
NOT TRUE,
SENSING HER FATE SHE FOUND COVER
TO WAIT.
FOR THE WORM WAS NOT DONE, ITS
TAIL HID BELOW
AND IT BURST FROM THE GROUND, WITH
A HORRIBLE SOUND.
PERRY WAS STUNG, SO MUCH DAMAGE
WAS DONE,
SHE BARELY HELD ON BY A THREAD.
BUT THE HEAD OF DAVEED MOVED WITH
GREATEST OF SPEED
AS HE SHIFTED INTO A GREAT BIRD.
DYLAN STRUCK GRAVELGAX AND
CHIP’TOP’LIS SWUNG
BUT IXEN DODGED THE SPIKES OF THE DREAD MORNINGSTAR
AND HER GREAT AXE DID SING WITH
SWING AFTER SWING.
CHIP AND DYLAN’S HEADS FELL TO THE
GROUND.
OUR DRAGONBORN PALADIN BROUGHT THE
LUPINE WORM DOWN.
SO WE PRAISE OUR GREAT HERO IXEN.
ATHENIO And so, with their enemies dispatched, our heroes take stock of the situation. Beginning with a certain bird...or is he a head?
[magic sound]
DAVEED You didn’t even have me do anything interesting. All I did was turn into a giant bird and now I’m going to have to go back in the bag
IXEN Shoulda stayed a bird
[magic sound]
SAOIRSE Is this better?
DAVEED It’s the worst thing actually cuz now I’m just gonna-I’m a floating head this is amazing! My accent changes every time I come out the bag, you just never know what you’re gonna get.
SAOIRSE Well I mean you don’t really have vocal cords so it’s sort of weird how you can have a voice in the first place
DAVEED Cor blimey it’s magic innit
SAOIRSE Yeah I guess so…um…
ATHENIO [stage whisper] What is happening? [clears throat]
SAOIRSE So next time we see someone just uh standing near a gate, let’s go around the fence and not talk to the-wait a second. Who-who are you?
[knife into watermelon sound]
ATHENIO [digusted]
PERRY Ixen you’re way taller than me, can you like-I just want to make sure he’s not a bad guy this time
IXEN I gotchu. [stutters] I can carry many many roles in this group, one of them being the tall person to talk to other tall people.
[footsteps]
IXEN Hey buddy. You got one head, I don’t-why do you need more?
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Because I am Grumblegut, the bounty hunter, the undying, the unburnt, the dark lord of all, stumbling over his lines like a child!
ATHENIO Gravelgax.
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Because I am Gravelgax! The dun-dub-dubba-do!
ATHENIO [digusted]
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Fuck! Yes, him is I! [clears throat] What are your names? Your life story? Tell me everything.
SAOIRSE Do you ask all people …like their names and stuff?
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Yes.
[pages flip]
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) I have a book.
SAOIRSE A book?
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Yes.
[pages flip]
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Say-ra-Se-Sowra-Sowries. Am I getting that right?
ATHENIO Say-er-sha
SAOIRSE Anyway. I’m an orphan from a burned-down town and that has my name in it?
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Alright listen, have you ever killed anyone? Ever?
SAOIRSE Technically. But they were necromancers and perhaps one guy who was maybe not a necromancer but we’re not entirely sure.
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) You kill a person, you get put on the list. I don’t make the rules.
PERRY I feel like this is a biased system.
[book shuts]
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Well since you did help me, I will buy you dinner.
ATHENIO And so our band of heroes, plus Gravelgax, enter the town of Rootwood-a place full of despair. And fish.
[deliberate footsteps]
SAOIRSE Guys, we’ve sort of been getting...I think the term is made? Every time we come to a new town.
IXEN You want to try out the new disguise spell you’ve been working on, is that what you’re telling me?
SAOIRSE Not so much a disguise spell but should we try and not be ourselves?
IXEN I’ve got a beard now! I think I look totally different.
SAOIRSE You do have a beard and a nice hat, so that’s something. I can-well I don’t have a cloak. Um. I could-well I don’t have that either. I could-no I don’t have any prosthetics. Um I could-I got nothing. I could do a spell.
[sound of hair being chopped in a slice by a knife]
IXEN Whoa!
SAOIRSE I do know how to cut hair. You could have asked perhaps. Um. It’s sort of something I had to do at the priory.
IXEN That was like a power move though I respect that.
SAOIRSE It was quite powerful.
PERRY Thanks. It was honestly getting in the way anyways.
IXEN See now we’re all set Saoirse. Perry has no hair, I’ve got a beard and a cool hat and you’re gonna uh-walk with swagger. Is what you’re gonna do.
ATHENIO Now cleverly disguised, our group of heroes enter the tavern known as The Alchemist and the Fish.
[footsteps]
[door hinges squeak]
PERRY I would just really like some fries-please and thank you.
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Hey Casper can I place-hold on, one, two, three-four orders?
CASPER Are they all going to be the same order because like we’re super busy-well we’re not super busy back here but like I-it’s only me back here and I really don’t have the time for it so like hopefully all of it’s gonna be the same order!
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Look, four people, one check does that make it easier for ya?
CASPER No! I’m cookin’! I’m cookin’! In the kitchen! Like a stir fy!
[sound of hands slamming down on a counter]
IXEN Fries for everybody and a big steak and also I don’t-this guy is buying us food and that’s as far as I trust him so please don’t make this harder than it needs to be.
CASPER Okay! Just really quickly um the only meat we have is fish-I mean our Halibut steak is superb but that’s fine with you right?
IXEN Make the biggest fish you got.
CASPER Don’t even-don’t even trip, I’ll be-I’ll be right back I got this.
[scurrying offstage]
PERRY You know I’m kinda sad that I cut all that off. I was really looking forward to some cool hair, it took me forever to grow that hair out.
SAOIRSE Better safe than sorry.
[sound of plates being set down on a table]
SAOIRSE Oh good gosh that is a lot of food there friend.
CASPER Yup sure is, you ordered a bunch of food. Um. Does anyone else need anything before I go and pretend like y’all aren’t here?
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Mead. Now.
SAOIRSE That’s sort of rude there, wouldn’t you say?
IXEN Please, just, shhh, shhh.
CASPER Honestly if you had told me the weirdest thing I would see today was a small elf with a weird accent I would have said you’re crazy, but here we are.
IXEN If that’s the weirdest thing you’re gonna see today, you’ve had a very good life
CASPER Dragonborn with beard, I don’t know where to put you in the rank of odd things so again, please sit down and I will-I will bring everyone drinks and then I will go and have a panic attack in the back room, okay?
IXEN You’ve never seen a bearded dragon before?
CASPER Huh. Okay.
IXEN Yeah. Stop judging, okay? This is a judgment-free zone-
PERRY Stop getting so riled up about the beard.
IXEN I’m not the one riled up about the beard, we’ve got someone over here that’s riled up about the beard. I think the beard is very me.
PERRY Why are you making a scene about the beard, I don’t understand
IXEN I didn’t start this!
[glasses rattle]
CASPER I’m going to get my own drink now. Please don’t need anything else.
[footsteps]
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) It’s not really a good business model, but the food is good.
[utensils scrapping plate]
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Perry, you seem pretty bummed about your hair.
IXEN Aren’t you like into druid stuff, can’t you grow yourself new hair? With like, plants…stuff?
PERRY Pretty-pretty sure that’s not how this works.
IXEN You could just steal some hair. I heard that there’s some good weaves these days.
SAOIRSE I should probably not do that accent thing, right? Or at least not that one. I could try another one?
IXEN Maybe just don’t talk! Maybe just…don’t.
[silence]
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Do you want to see the second weirdest thing of your day?
IXEN I mean you cut off two heads from one guy and put it in your bag I think that’s like-
SAOIRSE That is true, you did that.
IXEN That’s not really-I mean weird is like, we’ve passed weird a long time ago
SAOIRSE Gruesome? Maybe more than weird.
IXEN Well, I mean, but that’s-I feel like they’re kind of like, married, gruesome and weird, in our lives
SAOIRSE Fair
PERRY Oh yeah in our lives definitely. There was-there was the…
IXEN That’s what I’m saying!
PERRY Then there was the one time with the thing and the…
SAOIRSE Yeahhh
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Alright, alright, I get it you’ve seen some weird shit.
IXEN Unless you could shrink, that would be really weird because you’re like much taller than me and that’s kind of off-putting. Now if you could, like, get smaller, that would be weird, but also I would-I would respect that.
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) No?
IXEN I mean like I appreciate your stance on your stance, cause like, that’s good, but also like I’ve-I’m very much used to being larger than everyone, but it looks like your neck kinda hurts and so I’m not super envious of that.
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) I do have to duck everywhere, it’s kind of an inconvenience. Not the point! Would y’all like to see a magic trick?
[heads coming out of the bag, blood dripping]
IXEN Cool, um, while we’re eating?
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Yes.
[drumming]
ATHENIO And from the depths below, the demon Gravelgax will summon his mighty powers and unleash a deed the likes of which no mortal has ever seen!
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) I, the great demon WhateverTheHellMyNameIs-
ATHENIO Gravelgax, por Dios
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Grivel-dax! Summon all of my mighty powers and perform a magic trick!
[drumroll]
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Behold!
[drumroll ends]
[silence, some awkward shuffling]
FARCAN [coughs] The trap door Solgar, the trap door! Be-behold!
[drumroll]
[smoke bomb]
[coughing]
[coins]
[cymbal crash]
ATHENIO And now we see! Not just any average demon, the great Gravelgax has the ability to travel through dimensions as a formidable bounty hunter from hell!
PERRY That was cool, can you do that again?
SAOIRSE Could you give me like, just-just a minute?
[Ixen and Perry are pulled under the table]
SAOIRSE Okay. Okay okay, so I’m- I’m sort- I’m thinking.
IXEN You’re always thinking.
SAOIRSE Um, I mean, it’s sort of hard for me to not to. We’re probably going to have to do a lot of fighting, right?
PERRY You mean like more fighting than like normal?
SAOIRSE I mean, yeah, cuz it seems like all these necromancers and all these, uh, liches that are trying to kill us are going to be sending a lot of bad news bears our way.
IXEN I hope we don’t have to fight any bears
SAOIRSE I also hope we don’t have to fight any bears.
IXEN That just sounds bad.
SAOIRSE What if we joined a mercenary company?
IXEN Saoirse, do you know what a mercenary does?
[silence]
SAOIRSE Kills people for money.
PERRY Hold on, did you think she didn’t know what a mercenary was? She lived in a library with books, they had- they had dictionaries!
IXEN I feel like if you like went into the woods and was like ‘ah, here’s a path marked there’s a lich problem and here’s a path marked mercenary’, they’re two separate paths.
SAOIRSE It was sort of the first thing I could think of, but you get what I’m saying though. We need help, we need to like form some sort of group, alliance, anything. Like…People Against Liches, it could be called PAL!
IXEN I don’t think this is a good idea to be planning this under a table.
SAOIRSE You’re right, you’re right, you’re right. Oh, you’re right. Okay. Um, you’re right.
PERRY If that crazy devil man has eaten my fries I’m going to be very upset and I will stab him.
[everyone gets out from under the table]
[thud]
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) OW! You stabbed me!
PERRY You ate my fries.
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Eh, fair is fair. Barkeep! More fries!
[silence]
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Casper! Casper, I swear to god.
CASPER [muffled] Casper doesn’t work here. Please leave a message
SAOIRSE How is this place still in business?
IXEN Probably the fish...er...people
PERRY Magic.
IXEN Ma-Or magic. Magic? Really Perry?
NOELLE You know, things used to be better around here before all the fish started swimming away.
[ominious musical cue]
PERRY Where I’m from we mostly had, like, trees...and like nature...and then there was that fire that one time and then we didn’t have as many trees and nature and then the trees grew back
NOELLE Fire is required for things to grow. However, necromantic magic is not.
SAOIRSE Riiiiight. That sounds weeerd, what’s that all a’bout? No that’s terrible, that’s nothing. Alright.
PERRY If you wanna say anything, we’re here. Just uh GETTING MORE FRIES!
[dishes clatter]
CASPER No!
BARGOER [from far away] I’m gonna leave a bad Yelp review. That’s where I pay a bard named Yelp to tell everyone that your bar is terrible.
NOELLE Don’t be too hard on Casper, things have been tough for all of us. And to be fair sir...you are very intimidating.
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Well then why are you talking to us?
NOELLE I approached you because you seem like…oh how do I put this...not fishermen.
IXEN We are here to try to help. We really would like to be able to help in a way that’s not just following a very specific set of guidelines? Like we feel that it would be best to get insight and you seem very wise and very very insightful and we would love to hear more about how you’ve been affected and how we can help.
SAOIRSE Yeah, that’s-that’s right.
NOELLE I don’t know that I have necessarily…wisdom but I do have first-hand personal experience with the person who is driving the fish away
SAOIRSE You’re not like, secretly them in disguise or nothing like that? Playing tricks on us, right?
NOELLE I don’t work for her...anymore.
SAOIRSE Did you e-oh okay you did okay that was my next question.
PERRY We have a necromancer head in our bag. I-I feel like we can kind of expand our limits on people that we can trust because we just took a necromancer head.
[Daveed’s head being taken out of the bag]
IXEN Alright so there’s a lot of trust issues going around would you like to help with this trusting circle we’re trying to build?
DAVEED I don’t trust you either, I don’t really know why you decided to pull me out of the bag.
IXEN We’re all trying to work through these feelings um also this lovely individual says that they worked for a necromancer and we would like to take care of that.
DAVEED Alright so I’ve clearly been called upon to be relationship counselor so that’s what I’m going to do. First of all, everyone take a deep breath with me. In-I can’t take a breath you know what I’m talking about but like theoretically if you have lungs in and then out.
[breathing in and out]
DAVEED Just so I’m caught up to the-to the name of the game are we telling the truth about who we are and why we’re here?
SAOIRSE To be fair we did all that disguise stuff, it feels kinda weird and stupid to say our own names when we’re trying to not be ours-we’ve been the ones who’ve been fucking around and killing all the other necromancers even though we haven’t really killed all the other necromancers we’ve only killed like two necromancers-
NOELLE Oh good you can kill a necromancer, great.
DAVEED Just for the record they didn’t kill me they failed at that one very bad.
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Well now that we’ve established we can mostly kill necromancers, tell us about this one.
NOELLE The necromancer has been experimenting with…creatures.
SAOIRSE Well that’s never a good thing.
NOELLE Not at all. With combining different types of creatures with other types creatures.
PERRY Wait hold on was one of them like a sketchy worm that had like a-like a crazy not worm head on it?
IXEN I think it was like a wolf.
SAOIRSE So wait...are you telling me...this necromancer is a necralchemist?
IXEN Wait one more time?
SAOIRSE A necro alchemist. A necralchemist.
PERRY That sounds like a fake term. Say, Say normally I would trust you-
SAOIRSE I’ve read a book about it!
PERRY But-the-I-no-normally I would trust you but that does not sound like a real word.
DAVEED I’ve seen it done, I can vouch for the book.
NOELLE I would say, not necroalchemist but more necrogeneticist?
SAOIRSE That sounds worse.
NOELLE It-it’s just you-you-take one kind of creature and then take another one and smash ‘em together to try and create the ultimate creature? She’s been releasing them on the surrounding area to kind of test and see what’s working and what isn’t. I would guess the wolf-worm didn’t work super great since y’all are obviously alive and stuff. The villagers have been managing to kill most of ‘em but ya know, they’ve been gettin’ stronger so all the fish are dying and our economy’s kinda goin’ to shit. Anyways the point I’m trying to make is-Mr. Demon-person your name’s too long so Mr. Man-
ATHENIO [digusted]
FARCAN (AS GRAVELGAX) Mr. Man was my father, you can call me…Gary Smith.
ATHENIO For the last time, you hijo de dragon the character’s name is GRAVELGAX. I am a Great Bard with a CAPITAL G and I will not have my writing be DISRESPECTED LIKE THIS
FARCAN Well maybe if you wouldn’t have given me-oh I don’t know-TWENTY MINUTES to learn how to walk on STILTS I would be able to remember your stupid name!
ATHENIO You are nothing but an insolent day player!
FARCAN And you are nothing but a bard with a lower case b!
ATHENIO [gasp]
COMPANY [awkward murmuring]
COMPANY MEMBER [clears throat]
SAOIRSE Um…We’re gonna help. We’re gonna beat up a necromancer, again. Tell us everything that we could possibly need to know and maybe point us in the direction of somewhere we could get some supplies?
ATHENIO And so the kind old not-quite goblin woman tells the group of heroes about the nefarious necromancer, a vile woman who creates large abominations on the island in the center of the lake.
[ballad begins]
ATHENIO Oh yeah, the uh-the final ballad. I guess. I mean, I suppose I should sing? Maybe? Hold on.
[papers rustle]
ATHENIO Ok let’s see uh-paragraph 7, subitem 3, the PERFORMER, or me, shall be required to sing two separate ballads each night in support of the COMPANY. Addendum c: failure to perform in duties will result in removal of credit from marquee and removal of capitalization from all progr--- FINE I’LL SING. Okay, what am I talking about here? Oh yeah, magic weapons while they sleep. Something like that.
[Athenio sings]
COME ALONG WITH ME
ON THE HIGHWAYS OF OUR DREAMS
TO SEE WHERE OUR HEROES GET
THEIR POWERS GREAT AND VAST
FOR WHENE’ER THEY REST
THEIR MINDS DO MANIFEST
THE WEAPONS AND SUPPLIES
TO PUT THE VILLAINS TO THE TEST.
IS IT TRAVEL THROUGH THE PLANES?
OR THIEVING FROM THEIR BRAINS?
ARE THEIR STOMACHS BAGS OF HOLDING
WHERE THEY KEEP THEIR PRECIOUS TOYS
THE TRUTH IS WE DON’T KNOW
BUT WE’LL STILL PUT ON A SHOW
MAKE SURE YOU TIP YOUR USHERS
AND PAY ADMISSION AT THE DOOR.
ATHENIO And now gentlefolk, we leave you for a brief intermission. Please take a break, tip your performers in the basket at house right, buy some meat on a stick, and join us in 15 minutes for the second half of our epic adventure!
[ballad ends]
No Dice: The Fantastick Adventures of the Magick Assholles, was written by Britty Lea and John S. Quinn-Puerta, based on actual gameplay conceived by Dungeon Master Daniel Bookhoop.
It was edited by Britty Lea.
Athenio DeLys was voiced by John S. Quinn-Puerta
Chippetopolis was voiced by Lachlan McIver
Dylan was voiced by Ajay Melakayil
Farcan, as Gravelgax, was voiced by Thom Freitag
Noelle was voiced by Emily Shock
Saoirse was voiced by Lucifer von Forrestington
Perry was voiced by Hue Newsworthy
Ixen was voiced by Britty Lea
Daveed and Casper were voiced by Daniel Bookhoop
Company voices were provided by Jessica Amber and Gwen Vetter
Original Music and Lyrics were written, performed, and edited by John S. Quinn-Puerta, with Chris Deese on mandolin for the Battle in the Forest.
Special thanks to Chris Deese.
Tune in next month for part two.